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As A Voicemail Upon Landing At Islip Airport

– If Bjarne Riis was Mr. 60%, Bloomberg News reports that Lance Armstrong was Mr. $218 Million. Unwanted exposure of his personal finances capped off one of Lance’s worse weeks. It’s bad enough that the US government made public its effort to do what Zuelle, Beloki and Ullrich couldn’t. But could anything burn Lance up worse than the idea of Floyd Landis hitting the lottery because of it? The comic relief ends up as the star.

Floyd, Floyd, Floyd…Do you remember where you were a century ago — back in 2006 — when you first heard he failed a Tour doping test? It’s one of my most vivid bike racing memories —


Who knew that Raymond
Floyd flew Southwest? Four rows up.
Second best-known Floyd.

Please use our comments section below to submit your memory of how you heard about Floyd being busted. Haikus only (5-7-5), and the title can’t be longer than 15 syllables. The best entry gets a $50 Competitive Cyclist gift card. Please note that I’m the sole judge, and if all the entries are lame, nobody gets $50. Ready, set, GO! Remember — haikus only!


-Environmental do-goodism has become all the rage at the Quirk household, with annoyances such as turning off lights and recycling the newspaper escalating in the last few weeks. Apparently we now have a ban on plastic sandwich bags. In their place we use a paper equivalent.

In case you’re environmentally-inclined and have considered doing the same, here’s the skinny: They lack a Ziploc seal, so you’ll need to crease the top flap three times once you’ve dropped your sandwich inside to keep it from going stale. Since the paper is wax coated, air doesn’t seem to get in otherwise, which is good news. And the brand we’re using (the guilt-mongering ‘If You Care’) is wide enough to handle biggish rectangular bread.

One simple fact makes this worth mentioning. The most underrated scene in the greatest movie in the history of the cinema, La Course en Tête, shows Eddy’s soigneur Gust making a few hundred Raceday Sandwiches™ (horsemeat, 120g butter, jelly) and wrapping them in wax paper. Every time I reach into the pantry and feel susceptible to the nausea that accompanies meaningless actions related to landfill-hugging, I let my imagination go rapturous on those sweet 30 seconds of film. I’m not being eco-friendly, I tell myself, I’m being fucking Euro.


white bread

– Applying for a job? Not just here, but anywhere? Here are two tips: First, don’t submit your résumé as a Word document. There’s nothing worse than seeing Microsoft’s green spellcheck lines and red grammar-suggestion lines squiggled all over your professional life history. And the idea that I might mess up your résumé if I accidentally touch my keyboard freaks me out. Send it out as a PDF. Plain and simple. A Word doc cuts your chances of being hired by 80 percent. Then, if you’re good enough to make it to the sort of interview where I ask ‘What’s the biggest weakness of your management style’, don’t tell me: ‘I’m a perfectionist.’ That’s the equivalent of saying ‘I’m void of any shred of self-awareness.’ Say it, then watch the trap door open.

Sidi Flouro kicks


– A week or two ago I disparaged non-European racing and I’d like to confirm that I was right. But I neglected to make exceptions, which was a mistake. The Tour of Oman is the first of them. If, by chance, your local weather has confined you to hours on the trainer, check it out on Youtube. It made for some damn good racing in some mind-boggling terrain. Next year I want to go.